Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
my Savior and my God! – Psalm 43:5
The heaviness was back. The ugly burdensome, overwhelming weight of hopeless despair!
I was lost, confused and I hated myself for feeling this way. Why couldnt I just hold it all together like everyone else? What was the matter with me? I wasn’t physically ill, disabled or suffering with some life threatening disease – why couldnt I just be happy? What did I REALLY have to be sad or ‘depressed’ about anyway? In fact I had everything ‘on paper’ to be ecstatic about!
Even though I tried to paste this ‘I’ve got it altogether exterior’ mask on by keeping busy with various projects, relationships and ‘doing,’ the emptiness within grew like a plague within, gradually stealing pieces of my soul. The mask eventually grew too small, and the imperfections although I fiercely tried to hide them, fought back fiercely – they were winning.
…I had been struggling silently with bouts of depression for many years but didnt know it. One day during clinical supervision, it hit me – I could not recall the last time I was ‘truly happy’! I felt guilty even admitting this to myself, I was a Christian, I thought I was supposed to be happy all the time, after all wasnt I ‘saved’, ‘born again’, ‘destined for heaven’, a ‘child of God’ ?!?!?!?! How dare I not ‘be happy’??!!? It was a shameful truth to admit to myself, I thought I was disgracing Gods name, a poor and shameful witness of the Christian faith to admit this ‘shocking’ truth that I – WAS – NOT – HAPPY!!!! But it was the TRUTH. It was the first time I had spoken out loud about my TRUE feelings of discontent and this was the beginning of my awakening: the awareness of my true self…
…I wrote the above a little while ago, but i decided to post it today because I know that many people suffer in silence – as I did. I just want whoever reads this and may be going through depression now to know that you can overcome this and it does not have to be your reality forever. You just need to be honest with yourself about your feelings, allow yourself to go through the motions of whatever is causing it, but also seek help – DONT suffer in silence. I battled with depression for a long time, but I thank God that I have finally overcome it and I am now FREE! It has been a long process and do still have the odd down day, but it doesnt floor me anymore. I will talk more about my process in later blogs, but what I will say here is that it is my relationship and faith in God that keeps me grounded. At my lowest point in my life, after I had tried EVERYTHING I could think of to make myself happy, I cried out to God in desperation “please God help me, if you are truly there help me, I need peace, I just want to be at peace.” I can honestly say, hand on heart that God was true to His word and He came to my rescue. He will do the same for you too!
Feel free to leave any comments, questions etc if you want to.
Until next time…
Be Well xx
x lifejourneymemoirs x