A message from God, Part 2: Rock bottom!

I’d love to be able to write here, that I skipped along to the Alpha course, and everything was magically ok again, but unfortunately I cannot pretend – it DID NOT go like that.  I hit rock bottom shortly after I attended that church service.  So much had gone on, and I was still nursing my wounds…

2010 was the most traumatic year of my life!  I had been through some emotionally disturbing times, but this, this was the worst ever!

To my shock and deep sadness, it was time for my sweet dear mother to be called home.  My mum passed in January 2010, but I had kept soldiering on with work, my counselling training, assignments, counselling clients, work, church, ministry, moving house, sorting out my mother’s estate – I was like a machine!

By the summer, I was emotionally exhausted!  I had nothing left to give, I physically couldn’t cope with much so I took the summer off work to rest and recuperate.  I worked in schools, so I was able to take the time out without much fuss – thank God!

After my 5-week break, I went back to work.  I really did not feel ready, (I could have done with 6 months off) but I felt guilty for taking so much time off so I went back.

My job role changed shortly after I retuned back to work due to company restructuring.  I was quite sad about this, because I loved my job.  My new role was very different to what I had been used to and this made me really unhappy.

After a couple of months of being back at work, I fell apart.

I remember driving to work one day and I just broke out into uncontrollable tears.  I had to pull over, because I couldn’t see anything, I was hysterical!  I phoned my dad, sobbing.  He could barely make out what I was saying, but he knew things were serious.

I couldn’t quite verbalise what was happening at the time, but it was as if the world that I had once known was being snatched away from me layer by layer.  I didn’t have a say, I was getting caught up in a tornado and losing things.  I felt out of control, like I was losing who I was, nothing made sense anymore – I felt like I’d dropped into a black hole of empty and had no clue what was happening, I couldn’t make sense of anything!

Everything that I felt contributed to my life, my identity was going away.  Mum, work, church, my flat, friends even God – I felt stripped, naked and bare.

I was trying to just get on with things and force myself to be ok, telling myself that everything was ‘all good’ but it wasn’t.  I couldn’t pretend anymore, my mess was spewing out and I had no strength to fight it back anymore.

I just needed to get away from everything.  All I wanted to do was sleep and just be.  Dad spoke to work for me and told them I’d be going away for a while, he told me to go home and pack my stuff; he was coming to get me…

More coming soon…Xx

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