I’d love to be able to write here, that I skipped along to the Alpha course, and everything was magically ok again, but unfortunately I cannot pretend – it DID NOT go like that. I hit rock bottom shortly after I attended that church service. So much had gone on, and I was still nursing my wounds…
To my shock and deep sadness, it was time for my sweet dear mother to be called home. My mum passed in January 2010, but I had kept soldiering on with work, my counselling training, assignments, counselling clients, work, church, ministry, moving house, sorting out my mother’s estate – I was like a machine!
By the summer, I was emotionally exhausted! I had nothing left to give, I physically couldn’t cope with much so I took the summer off work to rest and recuperate. I worked in schools, so I was able to take the time out without much fuss – thank God!
After my 5-week break, I went back to work. I really did not feel ready, (I could have done with 6 months off) but I felt guilty for taking so much time off so I went back.
My job role changed shortly after I retuned back to work due to company restructuring. I was quite sad about this, because I loved my job. My new role was very different to what I had been used to and this made me really unhappy.
After a couple of months of being back at work, I fell apart.
I remember driving to work one day and I just broke out into uncontrollable tears. I had to pull over, because I couldn’t see anything, I was hysterical! I phoned my dad, sobbing. He could barely make out what I was saying, but he knew things were serious.
I couldn’t quite verbalise what was happening at the time, but it was as if the world that I had once known was being snatched away from me layer by layer. I didn’t have a say, I was getting caught up in a tornado and losing things. I felt out of control, like I was losing who I was, nothing made sense anymore – I felt like I’d dropped into a black hole of empty and had no clue what was happening, I couldn’t make sense of anything!
Everything that I felt contributed to my life, my identity was going away. Mum, work, church, my flat, friends even God – I felt stripped, naked and bare.
I was trying to just get on with things and force myself to be ok, telling myself that everything was ‘all good’ but it wasn’t. I couldn’t pretend anymore, my mess was spewing out and I had no strength to fight it back anymore.
I just needed to get away from everything. All I wanted to do was sleep and just be. Dad spoke to work for me and told them I’d be going away for a while, he told me to go home and pack my stuff; he was coming to get me…
More coming soon…Xx