My new journal

I am soooooo very much looking forward to starting my new journal. It’s fresh and new, I just purchased today:)

My last journal saw some dark times, so I’m pleased that I can enter into a new journal with a fresh and more positive outlook…let the journey begin!

…there’s nothing like starting a fresh new journal, so excited!!!

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…Dating again

So it’s been a while since I went on a date, so today was the first date I’ve had in over a year!

Why so long?  Well I felt it was important to take time out of the dating world and relationships to heal from my past hurts and experiences, work on my personal development and self sabotaging issues before I allowed myself to get involved with another guy.  I am determined to have a healthy committed relationship free from unnecessary drama – so I WILL choose wisely!

After feeling like the invisible woman and getting sick with loneliness and “just wanting to meet someone ALREADY!”  I decided to sign myself up to Match.com to see if I could get my ‘That’s just me’ (singing) story started.  After sifting through too many profiles to remember and speaking to guys that I totally DID NOT click with, this guy sent me a ‘wink,’ I checked out his profile and REALLY liked what I read, so I sent him a message, we exchanged numbers (I hate long internet chats, they are just too unreal for me) and had a little telephone chat.  That went well, he asked if we could meet (although it has taken about a month because we are both workaholics and ‘busy’ people!) and the rest is history – well one and a half dates of history!!!

… I am also pleased to say that today’s date was really pleasant (although he was half an hour late, which pissed me off a little, but he was very apologetic and he was coming from East to South London so it was forgivable – this time lol!!).  He seems like he is a decent guy (hard to find nowadays), we had good conversation, he was a gentleman, we seemed to get on well, we have lots in common AND I think we will see each other again!

…The only thing is, I know its early days, but I’m not really feeling a huge attraction to him yet.  It’s only the first ‘proper’ date (the first one we met for 30 mins on his lunch break, and it went so fast it felt like it didn’t really happen lol!)

…So I’m thinking this one may just be a slow burner, but I’m so used to being instantly attracted to guys and being really intense straight away (not healthy at all and probably why they don’t last lol!!)  So I’m just gonna go with the flow with this one and see how things go.  I’m at the stage now (AGE 32 – I cant believe it!!), that I really want to meet someone that I can settle down with.  I want friendship, a shared life vision, romance, ‘the spark,’ love, marriage, kids the works!!!  I’ve been in several serious relationships over the years, I’ve been engaged twice, the topic of possible marriage and near proposals have come up almost 10 times (I know a lot right lol?!!?), but I’ve never managed to tie the knot!  The film ‘Run Away Bride’ comes to mind as I write this lol!  So after so many near misses and countless heart breaking experiences I am sooooo ridiculously cautious and a little afraid of commitment.  I am however ready to start exploring my options and giving myself a chance at love again…more to come soon hopefully!!! 🙂

…After the rant

So I really let it all out the other day, I really needed to vent!  I actually thought about whether I wanted to be so open on this blog, but to be honest I have spent so many years hiding and pretending that I have it all together – WHEN I DONT, and its just too tiring and in the end I’m the only one suffering – and FOR WHAT?  TO SAVE FACT?!?!?  I’m getting to the point where I actually don’t care what people think of me anymore.  No offence, but many people are just fickle, here 1 day gone the next, love you 1 day hate and despise you the next, so why should I care what they think???  Half the time I don’t think they even KNOW deep down what they think or believe anyway!!!  I am realising that there are so many messed up people desperately trying to hide their mess and in fear that others will find out – AND SO WHAT IF THEY DO?  What’s the worst that can happen anyway?  For me I’ve already been embarrassed, ridiculed, out casted, rejected, bullied, emotionally and mentally abused anyway (I could go on)…So what, people find out and maybe gossip about it for a bit, they will soon get bored and find another hot topic to flap about…another mini rant lol!!

…I was at church today and the message was so encouraging AND so timely.  After my rant, I prayed and just simply asked God to help me.  I’m at a point in my life where I realise that the truth is that some things are just out of my control, it is what it is and I cant change it.  I am trying to just let go (very hard for me, I’m a bit of a control freak!!) pray about things and leave it in Gods capable hands and trust in His wisdom and timing – EVEN though it is soooo hard and hurts at times!  In my experience of doing this, I’ve realised that it is the best thing I can do and the outcome is always good, even though it takes a while to happen.  With these facts it encourages me to keep praying (through the good times and the bad) and trusting God to work things out for my good.

…Anyway, back to church…now I could have chosen to stay in bed, visit another church, go to a later service or something else, but I really felt I needed to go the early service this morning.  I promise you (anyone reading), that the message couldn’t have been more spot on and specific to my situation than it was.  It spoke to me deeply and I felt SO encouraged to keep going.  The message was about holding on, not giving up, enduring and staying commited.  Choosing to focus on the good and positive things around you rather dwelling on the past and negativity (which I have to admit, I can get caught in the negative cycle and talk myself into misery if I’m not careful – hence my bitch rant!!)

I made sure I took notes during the message so that I could read over it and continue to encourage myself while I’m going through this dark patch and beyond (although, I am feeling much more encouraged and brighter todayJ).  I’ve noted below some of the key passages of scripture that the speaker used as reference points today, and I will keep reading these and praying, because I am in desperate need for change in my being that only God can give.

Scriptures of encouragement:

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 11 To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen – 1Pet 5:10 NIV

Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.
Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I – Isaiah 58:8-9 NIV

Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 3:13-14 NIV

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things Philippians 4:8 NIV

So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you Romans 12:1-2 (The Message version)

I am smiling again 🙂 xx

Bitching rant

…another dear diary

…I wish I had something more interesting to blog about, rather than my winging tantrums…but I don’t!

…so I’m really struggling at the moment. I’m having a low time at the moment and rather than stay silent about, I’m just gonna vent here…

…I’ve always had highs and lows, so I’ve recently gone back to therapy to work through some more issues. I think I understand myself relatively well, so my frustration is why I am still having the same issues – disappointment with life!!!

I go to church weekly and try to keep my FACE in THE BOOK (bible), but in all honesty I am so unhappy. I find peace and hope in times of worship, inspiration from the bible but the rest of the time is one step away from torture!!! Still a Jesus believing dissatisfied with life Christian – sad 😦

I really don’t know what more I can do to enjoy my life. I guess I am tad bit ungrateful, I’ve got everything I need (house, car, food, money – the essentials). My dad keeps telling me to be happy and enjoy my life because i have a lot going for me. He is right and to be honest I mostly do. I just hit low points like now, where I am just really lonely and just wish I had someone I could share my life with intimately. Someone that gives a crap whether I exist or not, and has time and wants to spend it with me rather than giving me the same old excuse that rolls off everyone’s tongues nowadays – “I’m busy” – oh whatever!! So am I, but surely we can make time for those important to us…? I guess I’m not that important to most…feeling very sad and sorry for myself 😦

Loneliness is a bitch!

Gosh it’s been a while since I blogged…I’m gonna do a bit of a dear diary on this one…

…loneliness is a bitch!
I’ve heard it said that it’s a sign that we need to make the effort to seek out relationships because we are made to relate…
…where I believe this to be true, still there is that deep aching, sickening feeling, heavily placed in my chest.
I feel like a loser, alone with no friends. Watching everyone parade their blissful relating experience in my face, while I watch from my tower of isolation, wondering why I’m unfortunate enough to be cursed with the loneliness plague.

I run to my refuge of music and get lost in here for hours – my favourite place to be…but sadly when I emerge from my creative paradise, I’m displeased with my reality – loneliness!!!

…loneliness is a bitch!!!