Losing a friend

I use this blog as one of my outlets, I’m know everyone experiences similar or varying complexities in their lives also, so here’s one of my recents…

I got a text out of the blue from someone I considered a good friend today, she said:

“I would appreciate it if you left my family alone, Many thanks. Name here”

I couldn’t believe it!  I was totally shocked and didnt see that coming at all?!?  I have genuinely racked my brain and searched my soul to try to figure out what I could have possibly done to cause such a kick reaction from a so called friend…?  I couldn’t find an answer, except that I have been in conversations with her husband recently about having piano lessons (all above board, no funny business, completely professional etc), and I’ve concluded that she possibly didn’t like this…?  To my understanding there has been illness and confusion in the family this year, so I think it could be a lash out on me because of that…? It is sad, because it does genuinely hurt, I am sad that I have lost a friend – especially when I don’t know why?

…This situation does press on old childhood wounds, I used to get bullied, excluded and lose friendships without explanation then too, I’ve often wondered why some people just reject me for no apparent reason?  It makes me feel really insecure and I question myself all the time: do they like me?  Is this person a true friend?  Will this person abandon me also?  I’m forever over checking myself, I’m never sure if someone is a genuine friend or if they are hating me behind me back – sometimes I just feel like I must be a horrible person, and that people are repelled by me.  I experience people pushing me away and just seeming like that just don’t want me around…?

…Anyway I’m going too deep, letting my mind run away into places that are harmful and not helpful…my true thought about myself is that I am loving, caring, kind, generous, considerate and overall a sincerely beautiful person, with may gifts, talents and pearls to offer in life and to anyone who choses to do life with me…I’m not a horrible person!  Its their loss, I wish people could be more honest and transparent about their feelings, thoughts, concerns etc – oh well, I cant let it tear me down.  I’ve lost about an hour pondering over this scenario and I’m now gonna lay it to rest…

My prayer…Father heal this situation, shed light on the areas of misunderstanding and bring reconciliation with your loving peace.

…I wish them well anyway, and really pray that one day that we can be reconciled.  Life is too short to hold grudges and keep bad vibes…

Amen ❤ x

 

Daily Devotions: Day 4

It’s amazing how you can read something one day, and then read it again and get a totally new, deeper meaning. I’ve heard this said many times, but I am really experiencing this today!20120207-214028.jpg

I am reading the Joseph Prince, ‘Destined to Reign’ devotional at the moment and I re-read yesterday’s devotional today.

I was really taken aback by what I had missed yesterday, but also glad for the new insight.
This jumped out at be, like – BAM!!!!

“The good news is not preached to tell you what is wrong with you, it is preached to tell you what is right with you, because of Jesus’ work at Calvary, inspite of what is wrong with you!”
– Joseph Prince

I love reading these devotionals. I feel such a relief, reassurance and acceptance from God. I feel so supported and loved, in the belief that God really DOES love me and is on my side and has nothing but good intentions for me:)

Xx

The depression: part 1

Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise him again—
my Savior and my God! –
Psalm 43:5

The heaviness was back.  The ugly burdensome, overwhelming weight of hopeless despair!

I was lost, confused and I hated myself for feeling this way.  Why couldnt I just hold it all together like everyone else?  What was the matter with me?  I wasn’t physically ill, disabled or suffering with some life threatening disease – why couldnt I just be happy?  What did I REALLY have to be sad or ‘depressed’ about anyway?  In fact I had everything ‘on paper’ to be ecstatic about!

Even though I tried to paste this ‘I’ve got it altogether exterior’ mask on by keeping busy with various projects, relationships and ‘doing,’ the emptiness within grew like a plague within, gradually stealing pieces of my soul.   The mask eventually grew too small, and the imperfections although I fiercely tried to hide them, fought back fiercely – they were winning.

…I had been struggling silently with bouts of depression for many years but didnt know it. One day during clinical supervision, it hit me – I could not recall the last time I was ‘truly happy’!  I felt guilty even admitting this to myself, I was a Christian, I thought I was supposed to be happy all the time, after all wasnt I ‘saved’, ‘born again’, ‘destined for heaven’, a ‘child of God’ ?!?!?!?!   How dare I not ‘be happy’??!!?  It was a shameful truth to admit to myself, I thought I was disgracing Gods name, a poor and shameful witness of the Christian faith to admit this ‘shocking’ truth that I – WAS – NOT – HAPPY!!!!  But it was the TRUTH.  It was the first time I had spoken out loud about my TRUE feelings of discontent and this was the beginning of my awakening: the awareness of my true self…

…I wrote the above a little while ago, but i decided to post it today because I know that many people suffer in silence – as I did.  I just want whoever reads this and may be going through depression now to know that you can overcome this and it does not have to be your reality forever.  You just need to be honest with yourself about your feelings, allow yourself to go through the motions of whatever is causing it, but also seek help – DONT suffer in silence.  I battled with depression for a long time, but I thank God that I have finally overcome it and I am now FREE!  It has been a long process and do still have the odd down day, but it doesnt floor me anymore.  I will talk more about my process in later blogs, but what I will say here is that it is my relationship and faith in God that keeps me grounded.  At my lowest point in my life, after I had tried EVERYTHING I could think of to make myself happy, I cried out to God in desperation “please God help me, if you are truly there help me, I need peace, I just want to be at peace.” I can honestly say, hand on heart that God was true to His word and He came to my rescue.  He will do the same for you too!

Feel free to leave any comments, questions etc if you want to.

Until next time…

Be Well xx

x lifejourneymemoirs x

Trust

See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands. 
 Always in my mind is a picture of Jerusalem’s walls in ruins” Isaiah 49:16

I have come to a place in my life where I simply and implicity trust God with my life – it wasn’t always like this!  For as long as I can remember, I have worked, strived, laboured, pushed and forced to make things happen in my life.  Now don’t get me wrong, there is a place for perseverance, persistence, dilligence etc to get where we need to go.  The difference, I realise now is going according to Gods will (that which is written in the bible, and the leading of God’s Holy Spirit in your individual life).  When you move when God says, in the direction that He leads, and the time when He says, in the confirmation of His YES and the strength of His Spirit and the covering of His blood, in the Name of His Son JESUS, nothing can stop you!  It is strategic, it is smooth, it is effortless.  Things just fall into place, people just turn up to help you like angels, doors which were tightly shut before just fly open, favour is granted where it was absent before –  it is just GOD!  This can only happen when you TRULY let go and let God.  Trust with all your heart, soul, mind and strength – free from worry, certain and convinced that God WILL do it, because His word says so!

So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wearBut seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well – matthew 6:31/33

…As I was writing this blog, I paused to take a call from a friend, I considered calling her back after I had completed writing, but I felt that I should take the call.  I am glad I did, as it is the best insert that I needed to finalise the blog.  So with my friends permission, I am so excited to share this with you.
I answered the call and my friend proceeded to extatically tell me that she had just received a HMRC tax rebate cheque for £925 from 3 years ago that she had not applied for and had no idea it was even coming!  The timing was perfect, because she has been separated from her Husband for 8 months (he is working in Zambia, she is in the UK).  Due to issues with business he did not have the money for his plane fare home and so was in need of £600 for the flight home and around £300 for other necesseties.  This cheque was an answer to prayers!  We had been speaking and praying about this dilemma since November, and my friend was becoming very low and defeated.  Over the last couple of days she had felt encouraged to really press into God with prayer and reading the word to build her faith.  She specified in prayer at the weekend that she needed the money by Tuesday (Tomorrow) and that it should not be a loan.  She found the cheque in the post this evening, which means the cheque will be deposited in the bank on TUESDAY, which is what she specified in prayer – PRAISE GOD, He is SO GOOD!  This cheque is the manifestation of my friends FAITH and TRUST in God to provide of her needs.

“Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see” Hebrews 11:1

With love, perfect in Jesus name

T Saf xx