Growing in God like Jesus

And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man. (Luke 2:52 NIV)

I read this passage of scripture this morning and reflected in my own experience of growth in God. The more time I spend in Gods presence, I genuinely feel His peace, love, wisdom, power and strength growing in me. I feel like I can do anything, I believe anything is possible and I expect favour and blessings in my life everyday. My past is behind me and gone, I am truly a new creation. The word of God shapes my beliefs and thoughts about myself, life and God. A life with God is my only option. Everything else before felt like stumbling in the dark, but now I can clearly see and every step with God as my guide gets brighter!

3 people within the last 7 days have commented about how happy I seem – 1 was my own sister! I/we have been through a traumatic 2 years after losing our mum, my whole life collapsed like the twin towers and I’ve felt like a dry desert, bitter and hopeless – i literally went half insain! …I believe the happiness they see in me is the peace of God they are sensing, they are right I AM HAPPY! For the first time in my life I feel free from the chains of sadness, I feel like I am switched on and walking the chosen path for my life – it is a beautiful and fulfilling experience and I feel so blessed to be living my dreams and knowing it is because I am abiding in Gods promises and trusting in Him.
I have had to make a lot of sacrifices and I honestly don’t know what’s happening sometimes from 1 week or month to the next, I am still believing for a steady income to cover my needs and more, but I know that God knows my needs and will be faithful to supply, so I’m not worried:)
…what’s the worst that can happen…really!??! Heaven is my eternal future so the future is bright!!!!

Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. (2 Peter 1:2 NIV)

So blessed…x

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Music progress

So if you ready my earlier blog ‘free to be me’ and the other music blogs I’ve written, you may be interested to know that I am having an absolute BLAST this year on my music journey so far.

I am learning music theory, the guitar, taking vocal lessons and I’ve now added the keyboard to my repertoire – nothing can stop me now!!!  I am realising how important the theory is now, it’s the building blocks and foundation for music – if you can grasp this, the rest is just creative fun!  If I had managed to grasp this when I was a little younger, who knows where I would be today?!?!  But hey, I cant waste time on ‘coulda, shoulda, wouldas,’ so I am finally getting on with my music and I am so excited, I feel so content and peacful and I just want more and more of it… 🙂

… The DjW event I did yesterday, was amazing!!  Everyone enjoyed the set that I did and most importantly, I feel like I was able to plant some seeds of encouragement and inspiration, pointing towards God which I believe is the key to life!  We are already in talks about putting on future nights, so watch this space!

Being on stage is like my 2nd home!   There is a side of me that is released and its like I sort of watch this person from within and I’m in awe of her confidence and the voice sounds beautiful, I almost cant believe its me lol!!!  I had great comments about my voice from “girl you can definitely sing,” to “what a voice!” and “wow you have a beautiful voice!”  Hearing this is so touching and encouraging because singing is the one thing that I love to do more than anything else, but its also the one thing I question with thoughts like “am I good enough?”  Or “theres so many others better than me, what makes me think I can really do this professionally?”  I know I shouldnt punish myself with comparison, so I try to nip those thoughts in the bud before they run riot in my mind and I will continue to work and develop until I get where I want to be, but also making sure I enjoy the journey no matter the outcome.

…I’m so inspired right now, I’m now brushing up on my keyboard skills (after 16 years of not playing), and I’m amazed at how much I actually still remember (its kind of like riding a bike, once you learn its always with you).  I guess the old saying “don’t use it, you lose it” doesn’t apply in my case lol!!  Its all still there, its just finding it again.  I’m sure this has something to do with my prayers, asking God to help me grasp everything speedily and to advance me quickly so that I can catch up with the years of missed practice – so I am really seeing the fruit of these prayers!!!  I composed my first song on the keys this week and I was amazed at how well I played, it was literally like my fingers just knew what to do.  Now after spending the afternoon with my uncle who showed me some great tips, (he is such a great teacher and so inspiring) I feel like I have jumped forward 10 steps!  I now have some exercises to practice to develop my keyboard playing and my uncle has shown me how to incorporate various 1st, 2nd and 3rd inversion chords combined with base notes to enhance the chords I have chosen for my song, so I’m really excited about developing this track!

…I’m gonna start some serious recording within the next 2 weeks, so I am really excited about being able to get my music heard and hearing feedback and continuing my development…happy times:)

Xx

Happy pancake day!!!

Pancakes with a yummy twist!!

Getting my ingredients together

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Making a nice batter

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A sprinkle of baking powder to give a little rise and make it a little interesting!

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The finale!!  Pancakes topped with banana, mini chocolate twirls and vanilla caramel Ice cream

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YUM!!

The Depression: part 2

AGAIN!!!  Why did I wake up?

Every night I would secretly hope that I would just die in my sleep and wake up in heaven!  I didn’t see the point in my existence anymore, life was meaningless.  “Jesus, God, Holy Spirit, why am I still here?  What purpose could you possibly have for me, that you keep forcing me to wake up for ANOTHER pointless day?”  Just another day to get up, go to work, come home, go to bed, day after day, after week, month, year blah blah blah.  I’d had enough!!  Is this all life was about?  Working to pay for bills, spending most of my days working, having a few weeks off a year to escape the meaningless reality of life in another country, for as long as I could possibly afford and then drag myself back to the slavery that I was captive in…there must be more to life than this???

It was as if I had been asleep, a sleep walking zombie, unaware of my sleeping state, but every once in a while I would be rudely awakened by some painful experience beyond my control.  It would force me to self reflect and look at my wounds, but the pain was overwhelmingly unbearable to REALLY feel.   One of my coping mechanisms, was to stuff my pain along with myself, deep down beneath the fully reinforced impenetrable defence mechanisms, that I had created to ‘feel safe.’  I even managed to fool myself most of the time that I was ‘fine’!  I was lying though, my soul was sick, my defences were malfunctioning left right and centre and I didn’t know how to fix it.
I started to search the Internet for answers – Google became my best friend!  I realized that others were searching also, this offered some comfort actually, but I honestly still felt so lost.  I had been in church for about 8 years already, serving, tithing, and faithfully turning up week after week.  Was I doing something wrong?  Why was I so miserable?  Why did I feel so empty?  Maybe there was something more I needed to ‘do.’

It seemed no one I came across had the answers I needed, maybe I wasn’t looking in the right places, but finally I made a decision, that I needed to make a decision, to make some changes.  I have been in the personal development industry for 9 years and at the time I was mentoring and counselling young people in schools across South London.  Therefore clinical supervision was something the company provided for us to review our workload, work through any issues we were experiencing and any personal development needs we had.  Fortunately I had a good relationship with my supervisor and I felt safe enough to share with her how unhappy I was.  She recommended the book ‘Being Happy’ by Andrew Matthews for me to read, which she felt would point me in the right direction, so this was also a good starting point.   This among other books gave me glimmers of hope and pearls of wisdom, which I put into practice, but I kept getting stuck and still could not figure out what was wrong with me!

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been someone who would look out for others and help others to progress.  In my spare time I was busy volunteering and at work I was busy fixing other peoples lives, so I rarely had time to think about what I needed and do anything about it, I was mostly fire fighting!

In the autumn of 2008 I noticed the heaviness taking its toll on me.  I started to cry at random times, my temper was out of control, I struggled to sleep and everything was a chore.  This was during what was the most exciting times of my life.  I had just co-written and produced a large scale youth musical for my church, which was an amazing success – but I was absolutely miserable and inside I felt like a disgusting rotten corpse!

After the musical, I was at a loss as to what to do with myself.  My life felt stale and I just felt like I needed something more.  I remember talking through some ideas I had with my mum, one of them being my long-term desire to train as a counsellor.  My mum encouraged me to submit my application and she sat with me while I completed it, and we went together to take my passport photos to send off with the application (sadly my mother is no longer here, so this is a fond memory for me as I write this).  It was not long before I found out that my application was successful and that I was accepted onto the course.  My life was taking a new turn and I was so excited about my journey ahead…

Look out for pat 3 coming soon..

Xxx