Bitching rant

…another dear diary

…I wish I had something more interesting to blog about, rather than my winging tantrums…but I don’t!

…so I’m really struggling at the moment. I’m having a low time at the moment and rather than stay silent about, I’m just gonna vent here…

…I’ve always had highs and lows, so I’ve recently gone back to therapy to work through some more issues. I think I understand myself relatively well, so my frustration is why I am still having the same issues – disappointment with life!!!

I go to church weekly and try to keep my FACE in THE BOOK (bible), but in all honesty I am so unhappy. I find peace and hope in times of worship, inspiration from the bible but the rest of the time is one step away from torture!!! Still a Jesus believing dissatisfied with life Christian – sad ūüė¶

I really don’t know what more I can do to enjoy my life. I guess I am tad bit ungrateful, I’ve got everything I need (house, car, food, money – the essentials). My dad keeps telling me to be happy and enjoy my life because i have a lot going for me. He is right and to be honest I mostly do. I just hit low points like now, where I am just really lonely and just wish I had someone I could share my life with intimately. Someone that gives a crap whether I exist or not, and has time and wants to spend it with me rather than giving me the same old excuse that rolls off everyone’s tongues nowadays – “I’m busy” – oh whatever!! So am I, but surely we can make time for those important to us…? I guess I’m not that important to most…feeling very sad and sorry for myself ūüė¶

A Message from God: Part 1

(Re-posted, due to accidental deleting!)

He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds РPsalm 147:3

During my devotional this morning I was praying about what I would write today.

I’ve got a million stories in my head to write, but I’m trusting God to lead me. ¬†This week I have felt inspired to concentrate on the Psalms, so as I was reading Psalm 147, the above verse jumped out at me. ¬†Immediately a memory came back to me about a phone call I had just over a year ago. ¬†The phone call was from a lady from my old church and I could not remember the last time I had seen or spoken to her – it had been a while to say the least. ¬†She said God had told her to call me And give me a Message.

He said:

He needed me to get into a church because there were some things He wanted to work out in me, but  He needed me to be in a place of corporate worship.

On reflection I realise that there is power when believers come together!  When 2 more are gathered in Jesus name, God is present and miracles can take place!

 

“For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them” – Matthew 18:19.

I hadn’t been to church in months and I had no intention of going anytime soon. ¬†I was angry and hurting, disgusted with church and people in it. ¬†I felt downtrodden, let down, mistreated, unloved and discarded. I sinking into a depression and I knew I needed something because I felt so lost and confused, so it was quite an ‘uh mmmm’ moment for me!!!¬† Could this really be a word from God?

I didn’t act on this immediately, I decided anything God needed to do or say he could do anywhere ‚Äď He had just proved that anyway by getting a random woman to call me and give me a message out of the blue!

I didn‚Äôt trust anyone and I certainly was not going back to my old church for more pain – no way!!¬† I was so vulnerable, wounded and scarred from a combination of events there that I just couldn‚Äôt bear to put myself through any more unnecessary torture.¬† No, if God wanted me in church, I wasn’t going anywhere until it sure that I would be safe.

One of my closest and longest friends invited me to church with her 1 Sunday and I tagged along because I didn’t have anything else to do, so I thought why not!  It was a beautiful experience.  The worship was soothing and uplifting, it was medicine to my spirit and soul.  The message was uplifting and inspiring, I felt at ease there and I knew it was somewhere I would come again.  I also bumped into some long lost friends, which was a pleasant surprise, so overall I actually had a good time!  The church was advertising the start of an Alpha course in the New Year.  I remembered the message I had received from God from that lady, so I figured I would give it a try Рwhat was the worst that could happen?  I was already at rock bottom anyway, so I guessed it wouldn’t do much more harm!

I left the church that day feeling quite hopeful; maybe God was right getting back into church?¬† I would find out‚Ķlook out for part 2 coming soon…

O LORD, you have examined my heart¬†and know everything about me –¬†Psalm 139:1

…God is so good, I asked Him to show me what to write in my blog today and as I got into His word, this blog pretty much wrote itself! ¬†I had no intention of writing my blog this morning (I just wrote my last one a few hours ago in the early hours of the morning!) ¬†In fact MY plan was to develop some of the songs I am working on for my music course I am doing –¬†but God knows best:) ¬†I’m off to get ready for a vocal coaching session- another story ill tell you about soon I’m sure:)!

By for now!

xx