Losing a friend

I use this blog as one of my outlets, I’m know everyone experiences similar or varying complexities in their lives also, so here’s one of my recents…

I got a text out of the blue from someone I considered a good friend today, she said:

“I would appreciate it if you left my family alone, Many thanks. Name here”

I couldn’t believe it!  I was totally shocked and didnt see that coming at all?!?  I have genuinely racked my brain and searched my soul to try to figure out what I could have possibly done to cause such a kick reaction from a so called friend…?  I couldn’t find an answer, except that I have been in conversations with her husband recently about having piano lessons (all above board, no funny business, completely professional etc), and I’ve concluded that she possibly didn’t like this…?  To my understanding there has been illness and confusion in the family this year, so I think it could be a lash out on me because of that…? It is sad, because it does genuinely hurt, I am sad that I have lost a friend – especially when I don’t know why?

…This situation does press on old childhood wounds, I used to get bullied, excluded and lose friendships without explanation then too, I’ve often wondered why some people just reject me for no apparent reason?  It makes me feel really insecure and I question myself all the time: do they like me?  Is this person a true friend?  Will this person abandon me also?  I’m forever over checking myself, I’m never sure if someone is a genuine friend or if they are hating me behind me back – sometimes I just feel like I must be a horrible person, and that people are repelled by me.  I experience people pushing me away and just seeming like that just don’t want me around…?

…Anyway I’m going too deep, letting my mind run away into places that are harmful and not helpful…my true thought about myself is that I am loving, caring, kind, generous, considerate and overall a sincerely beautiful person, with may gifts, talents and pearls to offer in life and to anyone who choses to do life with me…I’m not a horrible person!  Its their loss, I wish people could be more honest and transparent about their feelings, thoughts, concerns etc – oh well, I cant let it tear me down.  I’ve lost about an hour pondering over this scenario and I’m now gonna lay it to rest…

My prayer…Father heal this situation, shed light on the areas of misunderstanding and bring reconciliation with your loving peace.

…I wish them well anyway, and really pray that one day that we can be reconciled.  Life is too short to hold grudges and keep bad vibes…

Amen ❤ x

 

Growing in God like Jesus

And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man. (Luke 2:52 NIV)

I read this passage of scripture this morning and reflected in my own experience of growth in God. The more time I spend in Gods presence, I genuinely feel His peace, love, wisdom, power and strength growing in me. I feel like I can do anything, I believe anything is possible and I expect favour and blessings in my life everyday. My past is behind me and gone, I am truly a new creation. The word of God shapes my beliefs and thoughts about myself, life and God. A life with God is my only option. Everything else before felt like stumbling in the dark, but now I can clearly see and every step with God as my guide gets brighter!

3 people within the last 7 days have commented about how happy I seem – 1 was my own sister! I/we have been through a traumatic 2 years after losing our mum, my whole life collapsed like the twin towers and I’ve felt like a dry desert, bitter and hopeless – i literally went half insain! …I believe the happiness they see in me is the peace of God they are sensing, they are right I AM HAPPY! For the first time in my life I feel free from the chains of sadness, I feel like I am switched on and walking the chosen path for my life – it is a beautiful and fulfilling experience and I feel so blessed to be living my dreams and knowing it is because I am abiding in Gods promises and trusting in Him.
I have had to make a lot of sacrifices and I honestly don’t know what’s happening sometimes from 1 week or month to the next, I am still believing for a steady income to cover my needs and more, but I know that God knows my needs and will be faithful to supply, so I’m not worried:)
…what’s the worst that can happen…really!??! Heaven is my eternal future so the future is bright!!!!

Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. (2 Peter 1:2 NIV)

So blessed…x

Bitching rant

…another dear diary

…I wish I had something more interesting to blog about, rather than my winging tantrums…but I don’t!

…so I’m really struggling at the moment. I’m having a low time at the moment and rather than stay silent about, I’m just gonna vent here…

…I’ve always had highs and lows, so I’ve recently gone back to therapy to work through some more issues. I think I understand myself relatively well, so my frustration is why I am still having the same issues – disappointment with life!!!

I go to church weekly and try to keep my FACE in THE BOOK (bible), but in all honesty I am so unhappy. I find peace and hope in times of worship, inspiration from the bible but the rest of the time is one step away from torture!!! Still a Jesus believing dissatisfied with life Christian – sad 😦

I really don’t know what more I can do to enjoy my life. I guess I am tad bit ungrateful, I’ve got everything I need (house, car, food, money – the essentials). My dad keeps telling me to be happy and enjoy my life because i have a lot going for me. He is right and to be honest I mostly do. I just hit low points like now, where I am just really lonely and just wish I had someone I could share my life with intimately. Someone that gives a crap whether I exist or not, and has time and wants to spend it with me rather than giving me the same old excuse that rolls off everyone’s tongues nowadays – “I’m busy” – oh whatever!! So am I, but surely we can make time for those important to us…? I guess I’m not that important to most…feeling very sad and sorry for myself 😦

Music progress

So if you ready my earlier blog ‘free to be me’ and the other music blogs I’ve written, you may be interested to know that I am having an absolute BLAST this year on my music journey so far.

I am learning music theory, the guitar, taking vocal lessons and I’ve now added the keyboard to my repertoire – nothing can stop me now!!!  I am realising how important the theory is now, it’s the building blocks and foundation for music – if you can grasp this, the rest is just creative fun!  If I had managed to grasp this when I was a little younger, who knows where I would be today?!?!  But hey, I cant waste time on ‘coulda, shoulda, wouldas,’ so I am finally getting on with my music and I am so excited, I feel so content and peacful and I just want more and more of it… 🙂

… The DjW event I did yesterday, was amazing!!  Everyone enjoyed the set that I did and most importantly, I feel like I was able to plant some seeds of encouragement and inspiration, pointing towards God which I believe is the key to life!  We are already in talks about putting on future nights, so watch this space!

Being on stage is like my 2nd home!   There is a side of me that is released and its like I sort of watch this person from within and I’m in awe of her confidence and the voice sounds beautiful, I almost cant believe its me lol!!!  I had great comments about my voice from “girl you can definitely sing,” to “what a voice!” and “wow you have a beautiful voice!”  Hearing this is so touching and encouraging because singing is the one thing that I love to do more than anything else, but its also the one thing I question with thoughts like “am I good enough?”  Or “theres so many others better than me, what makes me think I can really do this professionally?”  I know I shouldnt punish myself with comparison, so I try to nip those thoughts in the bud before they run riot in my mind and I will continue to work and develop until I get where I want to be, but also making sure I enjoy the journey no matter the outcome.

…I’m so inspired right now, I’m now brushing up on my keyboard skills (after 16 years of not playing), and I’m amazed at how much I actually still remember (its kind of like riding a bike, once you learn its always with you).  I guess the old saying “don’t use it, you lose it” doesn’t apply in my case lol!!  Its all still there, its just finding it again.  I’m sure this has something to do with my prayers, asking God to help me grasp everything speedily and to advance me quickly so that I can catch up with the years of missed practice – so I am really seeing the fruit of these prayers!!!  I composed my first song on the keys this week and I was amazed at how well I played, it was literally like my fingers just knew what to do.  Now after spending the afternoon with my uncle who showed me some great tips, (he is such a great teacher and so inspiring) I feel like I have jumped forward 10 steps!  I now have some exercises to practice to develop my keyboard playing and my uncle has shown me how to incorporate various 1st, 2nd and 3rd inversion chords combined with base notes to enhance the chords I have chosen for my song, so I’m really excited about developing this track!

…I’m gonna start some serious recording within the next 2 weeks, so I am really excited about being able to get my music heard and hearing feedback and continuing my development…happy times:)

Xx

Self Esteem

Today I’ve just started reading a book about self esteem and it’s got me thinking about my self esteem and the highs and lows I’ve experienced.  Its been an ongoing uphill battle at times, but I am thankful that I am on the up nowadays.  I think I can equate it to a combination of things (personal therapy, my counselling training, my faith in God, self acceptance etc).

I have come to the conclusion now that the foundation of my self

esteem comes from understanding and accepting myself

(which is an ongoing process) and most importantly…

…what I believe about myself.


Also in my profession as a counsellor and personal development trainer, I have witnessed personally from my client work how the thoughts and beliefs that run through ones mind (from past negative, difficult and painful experiences), can so powerfully overtake a person and literally have the power to break you.

However, when a person begins the journey into self awareness and starts to see the effects of their experiences in their thought life, with this insight they can choose to begin the process of replacing the old unhelpful beliefs with new life giving truthful beliefs – this is a process.  In my truthful and honest opinion, my experience has shown me that only God can supernaturally change a person, restore and heal the deep hurts that life has bruised us with.  Then the word (Jesus/The Bible) continues the ongoing washing, healing and restoration process.

Simply put: WHAT YOU BELIEVER ABOUT YOURSELF IS WHAT WILL MANIFEST AS YOUR REALITY.

So, simply put again: in order to challenge and change your thoughts, beliefs, perceptions etc.  The mind must be challenged about the negative, old and unhelpful thoughts/beliefs and replaced/renewed with new positive, inspiring, empowering, life giving thoughts/beliefs etc.

I believe that only Gods word is the true inspiration and has the transforming power that we need to renew our minds and our lives to live peaceful, purposeful and fulfilled lives.

Life is a journey, an ongoing process and we are always learning…


BUT one must start their journey with a true and honest intention to seek answers to their quetions and solutions for their problems etc…and be willing to put the work in – THEN the exciting process of change, growth and development etc begins!

I have come to the stage in my journey that I fully, whole heartedly and completely rely solely on every word that God gives (either through the bible or spiritual revelation).

The word of God is my: strength, hope, inspiration, encouragement, comfort, wisdom, motivation, empowerment, guide.  It is the reflection I need in the areas of my life that needs growth, development and maturity.

I simply cannot function in this life without God and I NEED to spend as much time as I can in His presence (reading the word, meditating, reflecting, praying, worshipping with music, being in church and with like minded believers).

I have tried MANY things to manage and cope with life but honestly, nothing comes close to a true relationship, utter and complete dependence on God.
I have to be honest though, I do have my down days when I will think various negative thoughts like:

“What’s the point?” 

“Am I really getting anywhere?” 

“When will I see the answer to the prayers I’ve prayed long ago?”

……And the classic:

“Its not fair, why me?” or even “Why not me – when will it be my turn?”

But I realise that sometimes its just the enemy taunting me and trying to upset me, steal my joy, plant seeds of doubt etc, and other times its just me allowing the old thoughts and negative thoughts (based on past experiences) replay in my mind.  At these times, I may have a little sulk, shed some tears, take a rest and listen to some inspiring music, find something inspiring to read, pray and/or I’ll channel these thoughts and feelings into writing a song or journalling etc.  Every day and situation is different, so I just go with the flow of what is right for that moment.

However God is without a doubt my lifeline and I am learning to trust Him daily.

X x

Wisdom for the ladies xx

“A girls heart should be so lost in God, that the guy has to seek Wisdom from God in order to find it

Delight yourself also in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart – Psalm 37:4

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life – Proverbs 4:23

Bless you Xx

WOW! God is awesome!

Someone broke into my house, turned on all the lights, went upstairs rummaged through my drawers and jewellery and then left!

I came home to all of my doors wide open at around 11.30pm…

…NOTHING TAKEN!!!! NOTHING WAS  TAKEN!!!!  NOT ONE THING WAS MISSING!!!

This is a miracle!  There were so many little items that they could have picked up as they ran through the house like my iPod, SatNav, Laptops – but all remained untouched!  The only annoying thing is, I now have to fork out for a new pane of glass for my door and I’ll probably get a burgular alarm now, but I am so grateful that I am safe along with all of my belongings 🙂

God is amazing! Forever grateful for Gods love and protection – Praises!!! XXX

 Psalm 91:2,11, 14,15

This I declare about the LORD:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him.

x x x

 The LORD says, “I will rescue those who love me.
I will protect those who trust in my name.

x x x

For he will order his angels
to protect you wherever you go

x x x
When they call on me, I will answer;
I will be with them in trouble.
I will rescue and honor them.

x x x

Amen

Happy Valentines Day – God Loves YOU XX

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.  John 3:16




For by that one offering he forever made perfect those who are being made holy.  
Hebrews 10:14
 
This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 1John 4:9
For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.  Ephesians 2:10
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!
xxX Bless Xxx

Daily Devotions: Day 7 – Final Day

This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. (1 John 4:9, 10 NIV)


Im in a giant love bubble and I never want it to burst!!!

Thank You Jesus! 🙂 ❤

Although its my final day of sharing my daily devotions on my blog, I will continue sharing as inspired on:
http://www.facebook.com/lifejourneymemoires

I’ts been a challenge to put myself out there and share my personal devotions with the world, but its its also been very rewarding.  It has been such an encouragement and inspiration to read my past weeks devotions and as I continue, I’m looking forward to reflecting over the others that I will write in a year, 2 years, 10 years!

I may share the odd one or two on my blog in the future though 🙂

Be blessed
Xx

Daily Devotions: Day 1

Day 1 – 4/2/12
For I am not ashamed of this Good News about Christ. It is the power of God at work, saving everyone who believes—the Jew first and also the Gentile. (Romans 1:16 NLT)

As I read the above scripture, these thoughts came to mind:

…Jesus is the tangible evidence of the almighty power and greatness of God and His pure ever deep, unchanging, unrelenting love undiluted sheer passionate love for all.
Jesus is His outward expression of love to us. The act of self denial and sacrifice for the His one true love – His children, made in His image. Like any loving parent, there is nothing that they wouldn’t do to preserve the life of their child – such is the Fathers love.

…I feel like I am only just scratching the surface of understanding Gods love. But what I have managed to ascertain is an overwhelming, gushing, flooding sensation which had me in tears earlier today.  As I reflected on how God has been hearing my prayers and faithfully answering my heartfelt prayers.

Very special!

Xxx