Losing a friend

I use this blog as one of my outlets, I’m know everyone experiences similar or varying complexities in their lives also, so here’s one of my recents…

I got a text out of the blue from someone I considered a good friend today, she said:

“I would appreciate it if you left my family alone, Many thanks. Name here”

I couldn’t believe it!  I was totally shocked and didnt see that coming at all?!?  I have genuinely racked my brain and searched my soul to try to figure out what I could have possibly done to cause such a kick reaction from a so called friend…?  I couldn’t find an answer, except that I have been in conversations with her husband recently about having piano lessons (all above board, no funny business, completely professional etc), and I’ve concluded that she possibly didn’t like this…?  To my understanding there has been illness and confusion in the family this year, so I think it could be a lash out on me because of that…? It is sad, because it does genuinely hurt, I am sad that I have lost a friend – especially when I don’t know why?

…This situation does press on old childhood wounds, I used to get bullied, excluded and lose friendships without explanation then too, I’ve often wondered why some people just reject me for no apparent reason?  It makes me feel really insecure and I question myself all the time: do they like me?  Is this person a true friend?  Will this person abandon me also?  I’m forever over checking myself, I’m never sure if someone is a genuine friend or if they are hating me behind me back – sometimes I just feel like I must be a horrible person, and that people are repelled by me.  I experience people pushing me away and just seeming like that just don’t want me around…?

…Anyway I’m going too deep, letting my mind run away into places that are harmful and not helpful…my true thought about myself is that I am loving, caring, kind, generous, considerate and overall a sincerely beautiful person, with may gifts, talents and pearls to offer in life and to anyone who choses to do life with me…I’m not a horrible person!  Its their loss, I wish people could be more honest and transparent about their feelings, thoughts, concerns etc – oh well, I cant let it tear me down.  I’ve lost about an hour pondering over this scenario and I’m now gonna lay it to rest…

My prayer…Father heal this situation, shed light on the areas of misunderstanding and bring reconciliation with your loving peace.

…I wish them well anyway, and really pray that one day that we can be reconciled.  Life is too short to hold grudges and keep bad vibes…

Amen ❤ x

 

Loneliness is a bitch!

Gosh it’s been a while since I blogged…I’m gonna do a bit of a dear diary on this one…

…loneliness is a bitch!
I’ve heard it said that it’s a sign that we need to make the effort to seek out relationships because we are made to relate…
…where I believe this to be true, still there is that deep aching, sickening feeling, heavily placed in my chest.
I feel like a loser, alone with no friends. Watching everyone parade their blissful relating experience in my face, while I watch from my tower of isolation, wondering why I’m unfortunate enough to be cursed with the loneliness plague.

I run to my refuge of music and get lost in here for hours – my favourite place to be…but sadly when I emerge from my creative paradise, I’m displeased with my reality – loneliness!!!

…loneliness is a bitch!!!

Music progress

So if you ready my earlier blog ‘free to be me’ and the other music blogs I’ve written, you may be interested to know that I am having an absolute BLAST this year on my music journey so far.

I am learning music theory, the guitar, taking vocal lessons and I’ve now added the keyboard to my repertoire – nothing can stop me now!!!  I am realising how important the theory is now, it’s the building blocks and foundation for music – if you can grasp this, the rest is just creative fun!  If I had managed to grasp this when I was a little younger, who knows where I would be today?!?!  But hey, I cant waste time on ‘coulda, shoulda, wouldas,’ so I am finally getting on with my music and I am so excited, I feel so content and peacful and I just want more and more of it… 🙂

… The DjW event I did yesterday, was amazing!!  Everyone enjoyed the set that I did and most importantly, I feel like I was able to plant some seeds of encouragement and inspiration, pointing towards God which I believe is the key to life!  We are already in talks about putting on future nights, so watch this space!

Being on stage is like my 2nd home!   There is a side of me that is released and its like I sort of watch this person from within and I’m in awe of her confidence and the voice sounds beautiful, I almost cant believe its me lol!!!  I had great comments about my voice from “girl you can definitely sing,” to “what a voice!” and “wow you have a beautiful voice!”  Hearing this is so touching and encouraging because singing is the one thing that I love to do more than anything else, but its also the one thing I question with thoughts like “am I good enough?”  Or “theres so many others better than me, what makes me think I can really do this professionally?”  I know I shouldnt punish myself with comparison, so I try to nip those thoughts in the bud before they run riot in my mind and I will continue to work and develop until I get where I want to be, but also making sure I enjoy the journey no matter the outcome.

…I’m so inspired right now, I’m now brushing up on my keyboard skills (after 16 years of not playing), and I’m amazed at how much I actually still remember (its kind of like riding a bike, once you learn its always with you).  I guess the old saying “don’t use it, you lose it” doesn’t apply in my case lol!!  Its all still there, its just finding it again.  I’m sure this has something to do with my prayers, asking God to help me grasp everything speedily and to advance me quickly so that I can catch up with the years of missed practice – so I am really seeing the fruit of these prayers!!!  I composed my first song on the keys this week and I was amazed at how well I played, it was literally like my fingers just knew what to do.  Now after spending the afternoon with my uncle who showed me some great tips, (he is such a great teacher and so inspiring) I feel like I have jumped forward 10 steps!  I now have some exercises to practice to develop my keyboard playing and my uncle has shown me how to incorporate various 1st, 2nd and 3rd inversion chords combined with base notes to enhance the chords I have chosen for my song, so I’m really excited about developing this track!

…I’m gonna start some serious recording within the next 2 weeks, so I am really excited about being able to get my music heard and hearing feedback and continuing my development…happy times:)

Xx

RIP Whitney xxx

I need to send out my tribute to Whitney on my blog…

I was supposed to do a post on Saturday, I’m glad I waited until now, so I could include my tribute to one of the most amazing voices of all time.  I shed some tears today as I reminised over the countless times my mum used to play the bodyguard soundtrack that my dad got for her birthday when it first came out.  I also giggled to myself at the many times I used to prance around with my hairbrush in front of the mirror pretending I was you on stage!  I used to look at this album cover and think you were so beautufil and imaged what it be like to be all grown up and beautiful like you one day!

…R.I.P Withney, your voice was such an amazing inspiration!  My mother’s favourite song was ‘I will Always Love You,’ of which I sang with my sister at her funeral, so I am so so very sad you have gone, its like loosing my mother all over again!  My heart goes out to your daughter Bobbi Kristina, the loss of a mother is so deep and devastating, I pray that she is comforted knowing that you are home with God, I pray now that you have found peace also.  God bless you xxx


Until I found out about Whitney, my weekend was going really well.  But you know something, this has really helped me to continue putting things into perspective.  Some things which is so important to me now more than ever, as I see the greats departing from the world as we know it and after the loss of my mother is:

  • Live each day to the fullest
  • Maximise the time
  • Don’t put off for tomorrow that which you can do today
  • Really love and appreciate people when they are around

We just dont know when it will be the last time we will see someone, so I say live life with no regrets, do your best to live well with people, make peace where there is strife and also make peace God.

Bless xxx

Music, music and more music

I spent all of Saturday in lectures learning about pulse, rhythm, syncopation, time signatures etc.  I can now write my own basic rhythm in music notation and attempt to read music scores – woohoo!

Oh and I had a great songwriting flow on Thursday and Friday while I was practising the picking exercise that my guitar teacher set for me – I CANNOT wait to demo it in the studio!!!

I spent the rest of the evening in the studio producing tracks for the upcoming DJ Worship night aka ‘Big Noise’ event that I am organising the music set for.  I had a really productive session, researching for inspiration and then laying down ideas for 4 tracks!
In the process I had some lyric ideas for one of the new tribal house tracks that my friend was producing.  I’ve never written to that genre before so it was really fun!  I am looking forward to debuting the newbie on the night 🙂

…Its now Sunday and I’ve just some back from a relaxed live acoustic night in Holborn, which was a great end to my weekend.  It was organised by my church for us all to get together, bring friends, hang out and meet new people etc.  The performances was also so inspiring, hearing and seeing performers that are already doing their thing really encourages me to keep going!

Have a great week ahead!!!

Happy blogging:)

Xx

Free to be me!

FREEDOM!

 

After 6 months of redundancy, 5 of which I spent fretting about what it is I was going to do with myself, I am finally at peace.  I realised towards the end of 2011 that I didn’t want to find another 9-5 to disappear into again.  In fact, I never want to work another 9-5 again for the rest of my life!  I’m just not wired that way.  I need my freedom!  I need to have the flexibility to come and go as I please and focus my energy on what I want to do.  I don’t want to answer to a boss or fall in line with someone else’s agenda. 

I just want to be me! 

So I have given myself permission to just do me and I am loving it!

The 2 things I enjoy the most is writing (hence this blog), singing and songwriting.  I also have a special love for the guitar and I have already written and performed a few acoustic inspirational songs.  When I sing and get around music, I get this sense of peace and belonging.  It is as if everything inside me is in unity and I fly away into another realm of peace and tranquillity. 

This time is very special to me, because I have finally allowed myself to explore my passion for music fully.  I say finally because when I was 16 I auditioned and was accepted into the BRITS performing arts school (which is not an easy school to get into), to do a music course, but I dropped out just after 2 day!  At the time I thought it was the best thing for me, I was very insecure with my musical abilities and was absolutely petrified of failing.  I tortured myself by comparing myself against the other students who seemed SO much better than me and convinced myself that I would be better off at an academic college doing A ‘Levels!  I didn’t do so well in my A ‘Levels, in fact I left with 2 E’s in sociology and business studies!  I knew I had made a mistake not long after I had left BRITS, but I had made my decision and had to get on with it.  It has been a regret I have carried for the last 15 years, but after my redundancy, it gave me the push I needed to do something about it.

So last September 2011, I enrolled myself onto a song writing and artist development diploma course and I haven’t looked back.   My prayer is that one-day (hopefully soon) that I will have the opportunity to do something professionally with my music, so I am starting by developing myself.  In addition to my diploma course I am am taking singing, guitar lessons and basic music theory with my tutor. 

The fear of failure is no longer an issue.  The energy I used to supress this innate desire I have for music has now been refocused and channelled into allowing myself to explore and be free with it.

So I visualise the best of what I want, believe anything is possible, speak life over my dreams and take action to get me to the place I want to be. 

Bless 🙂 xx