Bitching rant

…another dear diary

…I wish I had something more interesting to blog about, rather than my winging tantrums…but I don’t!

…so I’m really struggling at the moment. I’m having a low time at the moment and rather than stay silent about, I’m just gonna vent here…

…I’ve always had highs and lows, so I’ve recently gone back to therapy to work through some more issues. I think I understand myself relatively well, so my frustration is why I am still having the same issues – disappointment with life!!!

I go to church weekly and try to keep my FACE in THE BOOK (bible), but in all honesty I am so unhappy. I find peace and hope in times of worship, inspiration from the bible but the rest of the time is one step away from torture!!! Still a Jesus believing dissatisfied with life Christian – sad 😦

I really don’t know what more I can do to enjoy my life. I guess I am tad bit ungrateful, I’ve got everything I need (house, car, food, money – the essentials). My dad keeps telling me to be happy and enjoy my life because i have a lot going for me. He is right and to be honest I mostly do. I just hit low points like now, where I am just really lonely and just wish I had someone I could share my life with intimately. Someone that gives a crap whether I exist or not, and has time and wants to spend it with me rather than giving me the same old excuse that rolls off everyone’s tongues nowadays – “I’m busy” – oh whatever!! So am I, but surely we can make time for those important to us…? I guess I’m not that important to most…feeling very sad and sorry for myself 😦

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Wisdom for the ladies xx

“A girls heart should be so lost in God, that the guy has to seek Wisdom from God in order to find it

Delight yourself also in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart – Psalm 37:4

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life – Proverbs 4:23

Bless you Xx

A Message from God: Part 1

(Re-posted, due to accidental deleting!)

He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds – Psalm 147:3

During my devotional this morning I was praying about what I would write today.

I’ve got a million stories in my head to write, but I’m trusting God to lead me.  This week I have felt inspired to concentrate on the Psalms, so as I was reading Psalm 147, the above verse jumped out at me.  Immediately a memory came back to me about a phone call I had just over a year ago.  The phone call was from a lady from my old church and I could not remember the last time I had seen or spoken to her – it had been a while to say the least.  She said God had told her to call me And give me a Message.

He said:

He needed me to get into a church because there were some things He wanted to work out in me, but  He needed me to be in a place of corporate worship.

On reflection I realise that there is power when believers come together!  When 2 more are gathered in Jesus name, God is present and miracles can take place!

 

“For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them” – Matthew 18:19.

I hadn’t been to church in months and I had no intention of going anytime soon.  I was angry and hurting, disgusted with church and people in it.  I felt downtrodden, let down, mistreated, unloved and discarded. I sinking into a depression and I knew I needed something because I felt so lost and confused, so it was quite an ‘uh mmmm’ moment for me!!!  Could this really be a word from God?

I didn’t act on this immediately, I decided anything God needed to do or say he could do anywhere – He had just proved that anyway by getting a random woman to call me and give me a message out of the blue!

I didn’t trust anyone and I certainly was not going back to my old church for more pain – no way!!  I was so vulnerable, wounded and scarred from a combination of events there that I just couldn’t bear to put myself through any more unnecessary torture.  No, if God wanted me in church, I wasn’t going anywhere until it sure that I would be safe.

One of my closest and longest friends invited me to church with her 1 Sunday and I tagged along because I didn’t have anything else to do, so I thought why not!  It was a beautiful experience.  The worship was soothing and uplifting, it was medicine to my spirit and soul.  The message was uplifting and inspiring, I felt at ease there and I knew it was somewhere I would come again.  I also bumped into some long lost friends, which was a pleasant surprise, so overall I actually had a good time!  The church was advertising the start of an Alpha course in the New Year.  I remembered the message I had received from God from that lady, so I figured I would give it a try – what was the worst that could happen?  I was already at rock bottom anyway, so I guessed it wouldn’t do much more harm!

I left the church that day feeling quite hopeful; maybe God was right getting back into church?  I would find out…look out for part 2 coming soon…

O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me – Psalm 139:1

…God is so good, I asked Him to show me what to write in my blog today and as I got into His word, this blog pretty much wrote itself!  I had no intention of writing my blog this morning (I just wrote my last one a few hours ago in the early hours of the morning!)  In fact MY plan was to develop some of the songs I am working on for my music course I am doing – but God knows best:)  I’m off to get ready for a vocal coaching session- another story ill tell you about soon I’m sure:)!

By for now!

xx

Daily Devotions: Day 4

It’s amazing how you can read something one day, and then read it again and get a totally new, deeper meaning. I’ve heard this said many times, but I am really experiencing this today!20120207-214028.jpg

I am reading the Joseph Prince, ‘Destined to Reign’ devotional at the moment and I re-read yesterday’s devotional today.

I was really taken aback by what I had missed yesterday, but also glad for the new insight.
This jumped out at be, like – BAM!!!!

“The good news is not preached to tell you what is wrong with you, it is preached to tell you what is right with you, because of Jesus’ work at Calvary, inspite of what is wrong with you!”
– Joseph Prince

I love reading these devotionals. I feel such a relief, reassurance and acceptance from God. I feel so supported and loved, in the belief that God really DOES love me and is on my side and has nothing but good intentions for me:)

Xx

Daily Devotions: Day 3

The Youversion bible ap on my iPhone is where I spend a lot of my devotional time.

It has a wealth of resources at my finger tips. So many various devotional topics, bible versions, social networking, notes, bookmarks etc etc. I find anything I need for my quiet time in one place! What an amazing time we live in. I can be anywhere in the world and have all my notes, bibles, devotionals, spiritual upliftment with me at a touch of a button all in the palm of my hand!


A few weeks ago I decided to go on a fast and deny myself the one thing that I spend most of my time with – my phone. So instead of using it to text, call, check emails, facebook, twitter etc etc I switched it to flight mode to avoid the temptation and used it to read the bible, reflect, take notes and pray. So each time I felt the urge to check my phone, that would be my trigger to read the bible and pray.

My motivation for this was because I had lapsed a little since I’d been back from my holiday where I had managed to establish a routine. In my lowest points in my life, I had noticed that when I had spent the time with God, I felt less troubled, encouraged and hopeful. I had decided I wanted to not only know Him in crisis, but to develop a closeness with Him at ALL times.

I thought…

Imagine if I did this all the time, everyday, put God first?  What would my life be like? What amazing adventures would we have together? What miracles and blessings would I witness? What could God do in my life if I fully allowed Him access to me, knowing Him intimately?

Wow this is deep!!!

It’s been almost 4 weeks since my initial 1 week fast, but that 1 week has revolutionised my time with God.
Now the first thing I do when I wake up, is still to grab my phone, BUT the first ap I open is the bible:)

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. (Matthew 6:33 NLT)

Amen xx

Daily Devotions: Day 1

Day 1 – 4/2/12
For I am not ashamed of this Good News about Christ. It is the power of God at work, saving everyone who believes—the Jew first and also the Gentile. (Romans 1:16 NLT)

As I read the above scripture, these thoughts came to mind:

…Jesus is the tangible evidence of the almighty power and greatness of God and His pure ever deep, unchanging, unrelenting love undiluted sheer passionate love for all.
Jesus is His outward expression of love to us. The act of self denial and sacrifice for the His one true love – His children, made in His image. Like any loving parent, there is nothing that they wouldn’t do to preserve the life of their child – such is the Fathers love.

…I feel like I am only just scratching the surface of understanding Gods love. But what I have managed to ascertain is an overwhelming, gushing, flooding sensation which had me in tears earlier today.  As I reflected on how God has been hearing my prayers and faithfully answering my heartfelt prayers.

Very special!

Xxx

The Depression: part 2

AGAIN!!!  Why did I wake up?

Every night I would secretly hope that I would just die in my sleep and wake up in heaven!  I didn’t see the point in my existence anymore, life was meaningless.  “Jesus, God, Holy Spirit, why am I still here?  What purpose could you possibly have for me, that you keep forcing me to wake up for ANOTHER pointless day?”  Just another day to get up, go to work, come home, go to bed, day after day, after week, month, year blah blah blah.  I’d had enough!!  Is this all life was about?  Working to pay for bills, spending most of my days working, having a few weeks off a year to escape the meaningless reality of life in another country, for as long as I could possibly afford and then drag myself back to the slavery that I was captive in…there must be more to life than this???

It was as if I had been asleep, a sleep walking zombie, unaware of my sleeping state, but every once in a while I would be rudely awakened by some painful experience beyond my control.  It would force me to self reflect and look at my wounds, but the pain was overwhelmingly unbearable to REALLY feel.   One of my coping mechanisms, was to stuff my pain along with myself, deep down beneath the fully reinforced impenetrable defence mechanisms, that I had created to ‘feel safe.’  I even managed to fool myself most of the time that I was ‘fine’!  I was lying though, my soul was sick, my defences were malfunctioning left right and centre and I didn’t know how to fix it.
I started to search the Internet for answers – Google became my best friend!  I realized that others were searching also, this offered some comfort actually, but I honestly still felt so lost.  I had been in church for about 8 years already, serving, tithing, and faithfully turning up week after week.  Was I doing something wrong?  Why was I so miserable?  Why did I feel so empty?  Maybe there was something more I needed to ‘do.’

It seemed no one I came across had the answers I needed, maybe I wasn’t looking in the right places, but finally I made a decision, that I needed to make a decision, to make some changes.  I have been in the personal development industry for 9 years and at the time I was mentoring and counselling young people in schools across South London.  Therefore clinical supervision was something the company provided for us to review our workload, work through any issues we were experiencing and any personal development needs we had.  Fortunately I had a good relationship with my supervisor and I felt safe enough to share with her how unhappy I was.  She recommended the book ‘Being Happy’ by Andrew Matthews for me to read, which she felt would point me in the right direction, so this was also a good starting point.   This among other books gave me glimmers of hope and pearls of wisdom, which I put into practice, but I kept getting stuck and still could not figure out what was wrong with me!

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been someone who would look out for others and help others to progress.  In my spare time I was busy volunteering and at work I was busy fixing other peoples lives, so I rarely had time to think about what I needed and do anything about it, I was mostly fire fighting!

In the autumn of 2008 I noticed the heaviness taking its toll on me.  I started to cry at random times, my temper was out of control, I struggled to sleep and everything was a chore.  This was during what was the most exciting times of my life.  I had just co-written and produced a large scale youth musical for my church, which was an amazing success – but I was absolutely miserable and inside I felt like a disgusting rotten corpse!

After the musical, I was at a loss as to what to do with myself.  My life felt stale and I just felt like I needed something more.  I remember talking through some ideas I had with my mum, one of them being my long-term desire to train as a counsellor.  My mum encouraged me to submit my application and she sat with me while I completed it, and we went together to take my passport photos to send off with the application (sadly my mother is no longer here, so this is a fond memory for me as I write this).  It was not long before I found out that my application was successful and that I was accepted onto the course.  My life was taking a new turn and I was so excited about my journey ahead…

Look out for pat 3 coming soon..

Xxx

My blog birth!

So…I’ve been thinking about doing this life journey blog for about 6 months now, but  have putting it off for various different reasons…blah blah…excuses, excuses!!

I figured that there is no time like the present, and even if no one reads this, at least I can say it is something I wanted to do and I gave it a shot…and if nothing else maybe my kids will find it and get a kick out of reading it when I am long gone lol – enjoy kids (my future kid that I will one day have lol!) mummy loves you!

Anyway, my reason for wanting to write this blog is because I love writing and sharing my interests, discoveries, insights etc with others and thought it would be great to combine the two together.

So…whoever you are, if you enjoy my blog(s) feel free to comment, get in touch, ‘like,’ ‘share,’ or whatever it is you decide to do best:)

By for now

T Saf xx