Losing a friend

I use this blog as one of my outlets, I’m know everyone experiences similar or varying complexities in their lives also, so here’s one of my recents…

I got a text out of the blue from someone I considered a good friend today, she said:

“I would appreciate it if you left my family alone, Many thanks. Name here”

I couldn’t believe it!  I was totally shocked and didnt see that coming at all?!?  I have genuinely racked my brain and searched my soul to try to figure out what I could have possibly done to cause such a kick reaction from a so called friend…?  I couldn’t find an answer, except that I have been in conversations with her husband recently about having piano lessons (all above board, no funny business, completely professional etc), and I’ve concluded that she possibly didn’t like this…?  To my understanding there has been illness and confusion in the family this year, so I think it could be a lash out on me because of that…? It is sad, because it does genuinely hurt, I am sad that I have lost a friend – especially when I don’t know why?

…This situation does press on old childhood wounds, I used to get bullied, excluded and lose friendships without explanation then too, I’ve often wondered why some people just reject me for no apparent reason?  It makes me feel really insecure and I question myself all the time: do they like me?  Is this person a true friend?  Will this person abandon me also?  I’m forever over checking myself, I’m never sure if someone is a genuine friend or if they are hating me behind me back – sometimes I just feel like I must be a horrible person, and that people are repelled by me.  I experience people pushing me away and just seeming like that just don’t want me around…?

…Anyway I’m going too deep, letting my mind run away into places that are harmful and not helpful…my true thought about myself is that I am loving, caring, kind, generous, considerate and overall a sincerely beautiful person, with may gifts, talents and pearls to offer in life and to anyone who choses to do life with me…I’m not a horrible person!  Its their loss, I wish people could be more honest and transparent about their feelings, thoughts, concerns etc – oh well, I cant let it tear me down.  I’ve lost about an hour pondering over this scenario and I’m now gonna lay it to rest…

My prayer…Father heal this situation, shed light on the areas of misunderstanding and bring reconciliation with your loving peace.

…I wish them well anyway, and really pray that one day that we can be reconciled.  Life is too short to hold grudges and keep bad vibes…

Amen ❤ x

 

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…After the rant

So I really let it all out the other day, I really needed to vent!  I actually thought about whether I wanted to be so open on this blog, but to be honest I have spent so many years hiding and pretending that I have it all together – WHEN I DONT, and its just too tiring and in the end I’m the only one suffering – and FOR WHAT?  TO SAVE FACT?!?!?  I’m getting to the point where I actually don’t care what people think of me anymore.  No offence, but many people are just fickle, here 1 day gone the next, love you 1 day hate and despise you the next, so why should I care what they think???  Half the time I don’t think they even KNOW deep down what they think or believe anyway!!!  I am realising that there are so many messed up people desperately trying to hide their mess and in fear that others will find out – AND SO WHAT IF THEY DO?  What’s the worst that can happen anyway?  For me I’ve already been embarrassed, ridiculed, out casted, rejected, bullied, emotionally and mentally abused anyway (I could go on)…So what, people find out and maybe gossip about it for a bit, they will soon get bored and find another hot topic to flap about…another mini rant lol!!

…I was at church today and the message was so encouraging AND so timely.  After my rant, I prayed and just simply asked God to help me.  I’m at a point in my life where I realise that the truth is that some things are just out of my control, it is what it is and I cant change it.  I am trying to just let go (very hard for me, I’m a bit of a control freak!!) pray about things and leave it in Gods capable hands and trust in His wisdom and timing – EVEN though it is soooo hard and hurts at times!  In my experience of doing this, I’ve realised that it is the best thing I can do and the outcome is always good, even though it takes a while to happen.  With these facts it encourages me to keep praying (through the good times and the bad) and trusting God to work things out for my good.

…Anyway, back to church…now I could have chosen to stay in bed, visit another church, go to a later service or something else, but I really felt I needed to go the early service this morning.  I promise you (anyone reading), that the message couldn’t have been more spot on and specific to my situation than it was.  It spoke to me deeply and I felt SO encouraged to keep going.  The message was about holding on, not giving up, enduring and staying commited.  Choosing to focus on the good and positive things around you rather dwelling on the past and negativity (which I have to admit, I can get caught in the negative cycle and talk myself into misery if I’m not careful – hence my bitch rant!!)

I made sure I took notes during the message so that I could read over it and continue to encourage myself while I’m going through this dark patch and beyond (although, I am feeling much more encouraged and brighter todayJ).  I’ve noted below some of the key passages of scripture that the speaker used as reference points today, and I will keep reading these and praying, because I am in desperate need for change in my being that only God can give.

Scriptures of encouragement:

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 11 To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen – 1Pet 5:10 NIV

Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.
Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I – Isaiah 58:8-9 NIV

Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 3:13-14 NIV

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things Philippians 4:8 NIV

So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you Romans 12:1-2 (The Message version)

I am smiling again 🙂 xx

The warfare worshipper!

“You’re a worship leader, you’re on the frontline!”

After consulting the people, the king appointed singers to walk ahead of the army, singing to the LORD and praising him for his holy splendor. This is what they sang:

“Give thanks to the LORD;
his faithful love endures forever!”

2 Chronicles 20:21

As I was reading the scriptures above and below, after my house was broken into last week.  It seemed to me that God was reminding me that in addition to being a child of God, as worship leaders we are automatically on the front line in battle (spiritual battle).  Which means that I will be an enemy target and he will try to take me out, upset me, cause harm, frustrate things (overall: steal, kill and destroy – the usual!) at every opportunity he gets (hense the break in).

HOWEVER!!!  I serve and am in relationship with the almighty God, the author and the finisher of all things!  So even though the enemy may roar (smashing my glass), He cannot touch me (nothing was stolen)!

Now I’m gonna be real, it is costing me money which I would prefer not to spend to repair the damage and add additional security to the property, but I have prayed and demanded that every penny I spend will be returned to me – so WHEN it is returned, I will write about it!

So I will continue to worship God, I will take my place on the front line and keep lifting my praises to God, worry free knowing that God is fighting my battles and taking care of EVERYTHING!

22 At the very moment they began to sing and give praise, the LORD caused the armies of Ammon, Moab, and Mount Seir to start fighting among themselves

27 Then all the men returned to Jerusalem, with Jehoshaphat leading them, overjoyed that the LORD had given them victory over their enemies. 28 They marched into Jerusalem to the music of harps, lyres, and trumpets, and they proceeded to the Temple of the LORD.

2 Chronicles 20: 22,27- 28,

The enemey must and will stop when we take our authority in spiritual warfare

Amen!

Prayer works!

My friend EV and I have recently started praying together, and just keeping each other accountable in our lives.  I have a few girlfriends that I know I can pray with about things, and it feels so good to know they have my back.

I got a text today from EV updating me about her court hearing on Friday (God knows why she waited 3 days to tell me!!!)  Anyway,  there was some sort of misunderstanding about fine she had with her car, she had moved and wasn’t getting the letters about it, so the fine had escalated out of hand and had resulted in a summons.  We spoke in the morning before she went to court and we prayed together over the phone.

Here is what she sent today:

Hey girl just giving you an update and praise report…thank you so much for praying with me!  Before I got there the prosecutor asked me a couple questions and was like I’m gonna speak to the judge and came back and said were not going to proceed with ur case😃He also said it was my lucky day and smiled!  I went in and he repeated what he had just told me and the judge looked at me and smiled and said you can walk out of here with a clean licence take care. I didn’t have to say a word.. The two barristers either side of the judge, the clerk and the prosecutor smiled again as I walked out ! God is GOOD! No 6 points no £700.00 fine xxxx

Praise God!

This is no coincidence, how often do people get let off fines???!!?!?!

I’ll leave it to you to ponder…

but …

…As for me and my household, we will serve the LORD Joshua 24;15

Bless xx

Daily Devotions: Day 4

It’s amazing how you can read something one day, and then read it again and get a totally new, deeper meaning. I’ve heard this said many times, but I am really experiencing this today!20120207-214028.jpg

I am reading the Joseph Prince, ‘Destined to Reign’ devotional at the moment and I re-read yesterday’s devotional today.

I was really taken aback by what I had missed yesterday, but also glad for the new insight.
This jumped out at be, like – BAM!!!!

“The good news is not preached to tell you what is wrong with you, it is preached to tell you what is right with you, because of Jesus’ work at Calvary, inspite of what is wrong with you!”
– Joseph Prince

I love reading these devotionals. I feel such a relief, reassurance and acceptance from God. I feel so supported and loved, in the belief that God really DOES love me and is on my side and has nothing but good intentions for me:)

Xx

Daily Devotions: Day 2

Day 2 – 5/2/12

For I am not ashamed of this Good News about Christ. It is the power of God at work, saving everyone who believes—the Jew first and also the Gentile. This Good News tells us how God makes us right in his sight. This is accomplished from start to finish by faith. As the Scriptures say, “It is through faith that a righteous person has life.” (Romans 1:16, 17 NLT)

The Gospel, the good news of Jesus is the power of God in action, this is the power to save from __________ (fill in the blank for whatever it is you need saving from).

My belief in this and walking by faith in this belief is one of the key factors that saved me from the empty, lonely pointless existence I felt not so long ago.

Just today I spent a few hours journalling and consoling myself about some recurring life issues. I felt very sad today, lonely and I shed some tears. I didn’t even want to leave my bed. But after getting my feelings out on paper (something I learned through personal therapy and my therapeutic training) I felt a release.

While I write in my journal I also pray as I go, sharing things with God that only He has the power to change.  Knowing that God is with me, feels my pain, hears my prayers and wants to help me is a huge comfort.

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