Losing a friend

I use this blog as one of my outlets, I’m know everyone experiences similar or varying complexities in their lives also, so here’s one of my recents…

I got a text out of the blue from someone I considered a good friend today, she said:

“I would appreciate it if you left my family alone, Many thanks. Name here”

I couldn’t believe it!  I was totally shocked and didnt see that coming at all?!?  I have genuinely racked my brain and searched my soul to try to figure out what I could have possibly done to cause such a kick reaction from a so called friend…?  I couldn’t find an answer, except that I have been in conversations with her husband recently about having piano lessons (all above board, no funny business, completely professional etc), and I’ve concluded that she possibly didn’t like this…?  To my understanding there has been illness and confusion in the family this year, so I think it could be a lash out on me because of that…? It is sad, because it does genuinely hurt, I am sad that I have lost a friend – especially when I don’t know why?

…This situation does press on old childhood wounds, I used to get bullied, excluded and lose friendships without explanation then too, I’ve often wondered why some people just reject me for no apparent reason?  It makes me feel really insecure and I question myself all the time: do they like me?  Is this person a true friend?  Will this person abandon me also?  I’m forever over checking myself, I’m never sure if someone is a genuine friend or if they are hating me behind me back – sometimes I just feel like I must be a horrible person, and that people are repelled by me.  I experience people pushing me away and just seeming like that just don’t want me around…?

…Anyway I’m going too deep, letting my mind run away into places that are harmful and not helpful…my true thought about myself is that I am loving, caring, kind, generous, considerate and overall a sincerely beautiful person, with may gifts, talents and pearls to offer in life and to anyone who choses to do life with me…I’m not a horrible person!  Its their loss, I wish people could be more honest and transparent about their feelings, thoughts, concerns etc – oh well, I cant let it tear me down.  I’ve lost about an hour pondering over this scenario and I’m now gonna lay it to rest…

My prayer…Father heal this situation, shed light on the areas of misunderstanding and bring reconciliation with your loving peace.

…I wish them well anyway, and really pray that one day that we can be reconciled.  Life is too short to hold grudges and keep bad vibes…

Amen ❤ x

 

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Loneliness is a bitch!

Gosh it’s been a while since I blogged…I’m gonna do a bit of a dear diary on this one…

…loneliness is a bitch!
I’ve heard it said that it’s a sign that we need to make the effort to seek out relationships because we are made to relate…
…where I believe this to be true, still there is that deep aching, sickening feeling, heavily placed in my chest.
I feel like a loser, alone with no friends. Watching everyone parade their blissful relating experience in my face, while I watch from my tower of isolation, wondering why I’m unfortunate enough to be cursed with the loneliness plague.

I run to my refuge of music and get lost in here for hours – my favourite place to be…but sadly when I emerge from my creative paradise, I’m displeased with my reality – loneliness!!!

…loneliness is a bitch!!!

A Message from God: Part 1

(Re-posted, due to accidental deleting!)

He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds – Psalm 147:3

During my devotional this morning I was praying about what I would write today.

I’ve got a million stories in my head to write, but I’m trusting God to lead me.  This week I have felt inspired to concentrate on the Psalms, so as I was reading Psalm 147, the above verse jumped out at me.  Immediately a memory came back to me about a phone call I had just over a year ago.  The phone call was from a lady from my old church and I could not remember the last time I had seen or spoken to her – it had been a while to say the least.  She said God had told her to call me And give me a Message.

He said:

He needed me to get into a church because there were some things He wanted to work out in me, but  He needed me to be in a place of corporate worship.

On reflection I realise that there is power when believers come together!  When 2 more are gathered in Jesus name, God is present and miracles can take place!

 

“For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them” – Matthew 18:19.

I hadn’t been to church in months and I had no intention of going anytime soon.  I was angry and hurting, disgusted with church and people in it.  I felt downtrodden, let down, mistreated, unloved and discarded. I sinking into a depression and I knew I needed something because I felt so lost and confused, so it was quite an ‘uh mmmm’ moment for me!!!  Could this really be a word from God?

I didn’t act on this immediately, I decided anything God needed to do or say he could do anywhere – He had just proved that anyway by getting a random woman to call me and give me a message out of the blue!

I didn’t trust anyone and I certainly was not going back to my old church for more pain – no way!!  I was so vulnerable, wounded and scarred from a combination of events there that I just couldn’t bear to put myself through any more unnecessary torture.  No, if God wanted me in church, I wasn’t going anywhere until it sure that I would be safe.

One of my closest and longest friends invited me to church with her 1 Sunday and I tagged along because I didn’t have anything else to do, so I thought why not!  It was a beautiful experience.  The worship was soothing and uplifting, it was medicine to my spirit and soul.  The message was uplifting and inspiring, I felt at ease there and I knew it was somewhere I would come again.  I also bumped into some long lost friends, which was a pleasant surprise, so overall I actually had a good time!  The church was advertising the start of an Alpha course in the New Year.  I remembered the message I had received from God from that lady, so I figured I would give it a try – what was the worst that could happen?  I was already at rock bottom anyway, so I guessed it wouldn’t do much more harm!

I left the church that day feeling quite hopeful; maybe God was right getting back into church?  I would find out…look out for part 2 coming soon…

O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me – Psalm 139:1

…God is so good, I asked Him to show me what to write in my blog today and as I got into His word, this blog pretty much wrote itself!  I had no intention of writing my blog this morning (I just wrote my last one a few hours ago in the early hours of the morning!)  In fact MY plan was to develop some of the songs I am working on for my music course I am doing – but God knows best:)  I’m off to get ready for a vocal coaching session- another story ill tell you about soon I’m sure:)!

By for now!

xx

Daily Devotions: Day 1

Day 1 – 4/2/12
For I am not ashamed of this Good News about Christ. It is the power of God at work, saving everyone who believes—the Jew first and also the Gentile. (Romans 1:16 NLT)

As I read the above scripture, these thoughts came to mind:

…Jesus is the tangible evidence of the almighty power and greatness of God and His pure ever deep, unchanging, unrelenting love undiluted sheer passionate love for all.
Jesus is His outward expression of love to us. The act of self denial and sacrifice for the His one true love – His children, made in His image. Like any loving parent, there is nothing that they wouldn’t do to preserve the life of their child – such is the Fathers love.

…I feel like I am only just scratching the surface of understanding Gods love. But what I have managed to ascertain is an overwhelming, gushing, flooding sensation which had me in tears earlier today.  As I reflected on how God has been hearing my prayers and faithfully answering my heartfelt prayers.

Very special!

Xxx